must be man-child
must sulk in his drink
must never offer to buy me a drink
must not make eye contact
must speak in a deep, monotonous voice
must have brown hair and brown eyes LIKE ME! apparently, we find people who look like us. like an owner and his dog.
must be impressed by my plant collection
must have mommy issues
must respond well to my decisive jewish nature especially when it comes to getting a table at a crowded restaurant
must talk endlessly about himself
must trick you into thinking he is not talking endlessly about himself by the low volume of his voice
must love tv
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